The--Strategist

the house i grew up in felt so big when i left a wave pulled me out of my cove it didn’t say goodbye it didn’t wait for me to come back home if i stand on my knees in the living room maybe i’ll be six again maybe the pictures i colored in will hang themselves on the walls maybe this time i get to stay

every time i feel the world collapse around me, i am alone i cup my face in my own unloved hands i say, i have walked this far on my own i have seen this route if not this path before my love, once it’s done, it’s done my love, today today will not be tomorrow i will one-day-at-a-time this till i am done

there are only so many ways a body can break and you, my love, are my favorite you put down your pain and i hold it i hold it up, reaching for space let the magnetosphere work its magic your pain is like electricity you ionize the air between us my love, i can't breathe and i feel like lightning light me on fire light me up like the x-rays of a chain smoker my love, strike me down with your lightning at least it'll escape you if this is how I go at least I'll light up the sky on my way out

My friends have friends who take care of them That’s so nice till I say it slowly My friends have friends who take care of them I always wonder that means It means a night out drinking with friends isn’t an invitation It’s a subtle announcement My friends will be there (so disappear if you could) You’re too polite to tell me till I beg you to explain Why on earth are you being so cold? I’m learning to play pool, please be nice to me I understand you’re winning, you already know how to play It means we’re going to hang out and I need you to stay in your room or leave It means we’re going to be talking in a language you don’t speak It means yeah, come with me, definitely, till I give you a reason to say you wanted to stay home anyway I always lie and say thank god, I really didn’t want to go I think it makes you feel less guilty when you leave me to walk home alone In the same kind of conditions you would call me to pick you up And I would come But my friends have friends who take

I keep feeling like I’m falling out of my body when I wake up I think I’m only really there when I’m asleep You know that feeling, Like you’re falling because your heart’s afraid you’ll hit the ground unprepared The feeling right before it tenses to save you That’s what opening my eyes in the morning feels like. That’s what it feels like when my cat’s impossibly small feet make my chest heavy at daybreak When the church that isn’t far enough away sounds its bell for 7 am When the sun is burning a hole through my blanket, Who sleeps with a blanket in August? When it feels like this, I know in my head, a few days ago I was here I knew when I moved, but sometimes Mid-conversation Words fall out of my mouth that I didn’t think of I don’t say anything because it keeps conversation going What would I even complain about? My body still works Even if I’m not there sometimes. I don’t think anyone has ever noticed it When I’m moving between ‘actual physical participant’ and ‘nosey

my friend. will you remember me? i remember holding your hand walking through the playground two queens. my friend, do you remember me? do you remember us writing in that little black book? please burn it when you can my friend, did you remember me? did you remember me when you chose her when you chose the girl who held on to my arm so tightly it still remembers her the way that cuts, dissecting, turn me inside out for you, I'd fit like a glove she was the suit jacket too big to fit you her embrace was always from a distance. my friend, please remember me remember me like trees remember weather remember me like mars remembers rivers remember me like the earth remembers the moon from its insides open your ribcage like doors let me sit with the shaky breath that sits your lungs I'll steady it, my friend my friend, don't forget me remember when I told you that sunflowers follow the sun and when they can't see the sun they turn towards each other it wasn't true but when we

why didn’t he break me as much as the others. why is he nicer to me. does his kindness make me a sinner. i have always relied on the kindness of others. blanche said that when they took her away. he’s in every time i remember her. every time i remember tennesse williams. he fills me like smoke that sublimes into bricks. he fills me like the love i felt when i was a child. sharp. brutal. cruel. maternal. they said i’m cruel. she said i’m cruel. he told me i was merciful. my best friend told me i was forgiveness. i’m tired. and i’m angry. but i’m mostly tired. how does this weight disappear. who carries it when i put it down. why do i pick it up again?

he’s in every time my clothes rip because i’m too big for them. he’s in every time i lie about being hurt because i’m slower than the others. he’s in every time someone cares about me too soon. he sits on my chest when i’m high and he kisses me like he loves me. like he can keep me safe. i’d sin for him i’d hurt my neighbor. i’d leave god. just because he’s here. because i want him to stay. i don’t want to be alone. he’s lived with me my whole life every seething moment every quiet before my every storm. how can i say goodbye when he’s in my footsteps. when he leaves a mark in my unremarkableness. i’ll be remembered like a villain because of him. but i’ll be remembered. he’s in every time i lose control of my body and come to again he’s in every time someone agrees with me. he’s in every time i feel happy.

where does that anger come from the one that's always on in the background everything in your world happens a foot away from you between that wall and your skin is where that anger sits he's in the details, in every time there's a hole in your sock or when it's hot and the wind is hot so there's a moment between feeling wind and feeling warm where you're relieved before being filled with disappointment again. in the breath before every I'm sorry where is he from? how does he stay? ive forgiven every sin. ive loved my neighbor. ive even found God. so why is he here? why do I feel him in my knees when it rains? why do I feel him on my skin when it's hot and i can't breathe? why do I feel him when i feel loved like i was loved when i was a child? why do I feel him here. in my wrist when it clicks. in the tension i hold in my jaw. in every time i remember i don't read as much as I used to. in every time she told me the only thing I'd be when i was older was her biggest regret yet.

i think everyone wonders what life would be like if things were different i picked who i was going to be in the seventh grade i haven’t looked back since i wonder if that was a mistake i joke that spite fuels me but really it’s the fear that everyone was right that i am a screw up that there are people worth loving and i am not one of them that there’s a right way to beg for your life i should be grateful i get to beg not everyone gets to i like to think i’ve healed but i’ll always know that itch that funny feeling i like to think i’ve changed i feel like a kid who still needs help reaching high shelves and is afraid to cry when i scrape my knees because it’s not bleeding and unless someone’s dying i don’t get to cry about it when someone died i didn’t get to cry about it i was the informant, call them one by one wake them from a dream to throw them into a nightmare i have never worshipped i have only begged if there is a god he doesn’t love me like he loves believers i wish i